ThePanda

This was in response to a conversation about Tux and everything else I had yesterday, written late last night, long past when I should have gone to sleep, mostly because I was anoyed by people’s willingness to accept the idea of an angry penguin, it is incomplete and should be considered a work in progress as such.

I may or may not add more to this, I kind of liked the idea…

No penguins were hurt in the making of this entry.

Any resmeblance to any penguins, dead or alive is a figment of your imagination

This is not a good place to find factual information about penguins, might I suggest such things as wikipedia and H2G2. The world is far too naive to accept the reality about penguins

Being a penguin is strange, well somewhat strange anyways. No it is not the bad kind of strange, not the kind of strange which causes butterflies in people’s bellies, to paraphrase that weird human saying, nor the kind which makes you hope the fish did not all run away in search of greener pastures up north, though that is always something you have to fear. As that great penguin Empurus 1 had said many millenia ago, the fittest are the ones who survive. Oh how we wish no one had told that stupid human anything about our philosophies, would have prevented many strifes in certain countries, would have been far more entertaining to watch. No being a penguing is a strange kind of strange, perhaps what you humans, for whom after all this is intended, would call weirdly strange, or that could be a reflection about the kind of language a certain subkind of humans like to use. Sure you look at us, you see us waddling around, doing belly flops (whatever those are, I overheard the term being used in one of those big metal containers your species calls ships, which had come around with another huge group of people so they could gawk at us), “entertaining” you, and you are proud of all those penguins you have in London, Washington DC, Helsinki, and all those other zoos around the world, but like seriously, do you have any idea how expensive it is for one of us to actually find acomodations in those filthy, hot places you call “cities,” and cool such accomodation down to tempratures we can live in, like what’s up with all of you ape and your warm living climates, you are not filthy reptiles, our ancestors already made the leap away from cold bloodedness, cooler climes are so much easier to survive than warmer ones, and don’t even make the energy argument , like what’s up with that, can’t you Homo sapiens, people who think you are the greatest beings of them all generate enough energy to keep yourself alive in winters.

It is all quite funny… People watch us waddle, we watch people gawk, similar effects, the waddling is more fun for us, like what’s with all of those people walking in stiff calculated steps, we can do that, but it’s not nearly half as fun as say walking around our way, or sliding on our bellies, oooh sliding on bellies is fun, good thing we don’t let the young do it, like I can imagine some of those kids, inspired by punk fish, and those weird adults who never grew up, sliding on ice caps which are about to break off, and doing so at immense speeds. I have to admit, I have always been a big fan of speed, but like umm, it’s hard to explain, I know where to slow down, I don’t bump into the other penguins, though I do remember the embarassing accident me and Soink II had all those days ago, when we were both young, and lost in dreams of all those things we could do. Soink II’s in London now, living in that thing you call a zoo, and we call a “human observatory”, observing humans is really quite fun, though I doubt maintaining camouflage gives Soink II much of a chance to slide around, hmm we could pull them out of the observatory, we do that every few years, it’s not like most humans know much about how to recognize our kind, and their minds are so flooble, malleable, changed with the slightest ease, all we need to do is tap in, and woohoo they are changed.

Ooh the human communication device seems to show a picture of a nice penguin sitting on his hind, like what’s wrong with you people, don’t your metal containers observe enough of us we don’t sit on our tush, which is another one of those freakish words your species seems to have been using, no we waddle, we sit on our feet, and we slide on our bellies, like what’s wrong with you people, what the hell is wrong with you.

I guess we really can’t complain though, it would be kind of boring without all those people to entertain us, the strange colors (the bright ones are really cool, black and white, and people who dress like us are just plain old stupid… You cannot confuse us, we do actually know you look nothing like us, and umm your faces similar to ours, your ancestor’s gave up on the beak, bad idea, fish is good for you, eat more of that, and you might actually have better brains.

So yes coming back to the reasons for my communique, like earlier today I was at this thing you people probably call a dining place, awful food and all, no fish, smelt like it had never seen any fresh fish, and had weird food, not the kind of food supposedly intelligent things on two legs should be eating, but anyways, there were these people discussing penguin charges. Now before you fall flat on your face laughing, which was what most of those humans did, every now and then you mindless beings do manage to annoy us enough that we want to cause harm without resorting to technology, like sure zapping a few of your brain cells would be simple, but would require that we waddle down under the ice cap, find our ray gun, and only then zap you, but you know there are all those supposedly intelligent, actually dumb humans who just don’t get it, don’t understand that they are not wanted around, and there’s only so much any self-respecting penguin can take. Like honestly, those people who come trouble us on those warm islands, barely cold enough to survive, like what the hell are we supposed to do, we are trying to make the best of a bad situation and then some weird ape comes by and tries to take advantage of your attempts at being nice. And then there is the famous story which made some of your kind aware of how angry we can get, yes one of us did attack one of your self-important boneheads, what can we say, he was being a bonehead, invading our privacy and all, yes one of us did waddle and belly slide after him, pretending to attack him, it was mostly a warning, but it had to be done, we do not like wars, but it had to be done…

In the way of the world, there are dolphins, and there are us, and then there are the bloody mice. Now no matter what anyone, esecially those stupid cats you seem to own, tells you, mice are the things you should be scared by, they mean no good, they are not evil, but they are scientists, crazy multi-dimensional ones, as one of your great writers, man named Dooglas Adammm, or something to that order, did actually write about this (yes we have translators working on your books, we need to monitor sources of information, and spread disinformation to protect our secrets), but that might have been the result of one too many pan-galactic gargle blaster on a road trip through Europe, and a mice having a few of those, but like he did give you warning of such things.

It’s interesting how much humans laugh at danger, tell them about charging penguins, researching mice, scheming vogons, and all they do is laugh. Not like we do much of anything else, but we laugh at everything, we laugh at matters of importance, because there is little else we can do, we try and avoid them, but as a black and white waddly thing, it’s not like we can go up to one of you humans and ask you to stop doing things, and umm within ourselves, we can settle things, it is simple, don’t like someone, just put them on a break away ice-cap, and they’ll go away, never to trouble you away, that is fun, and it solves problems, and they get to find other fish to eat. Fish, as I stated earlier, is good.

So are all of this Adammses persons sayings true, no not really, he has heard of the Vogons, and he has heard of the mice, most of us, even humans, are multidimensional in one way or the other. See we are not flat, so we live in at least three dimensions, and the 11 or more curled up dimensions in the universe sort of force us to exist in all of them, it is fun, kind of anyways. Penguins do not try imagining the 8 dimensions we are intimately aware of, it is sort of mind bogling, and the few who have tried to in the past have gone completely and utterly insane, not inexplicably so, low dimensional topology is strange enough for most penguins (the kind called normal, they don’t consider me normal, I don’t think they consider most of the world normal), 8 dimensions is not fun. It is to an extent because of all those damn reptiles that we are stuck with this problem, well actually it is the mice, they were scared about people/creatures in the future realizing that the mice were upto no good, and thus not allowing them observation options. The vogons are not as bad as he makes them out to be, some vogon poetry is really good, most of it isn’t. But that I guess is true about all poetry, like Penguin poetry, such a large amount of it is about fish and terns, that you’d think anyone who could express a half sensible sentence about fishes or terns for that matter is a poet, but we all know this cannot be true.